In our first assignment we got in this course I would try to tell you what I think about childhood. I think there are three things which are more importent than other things. Children must become loved, respected and feel safety.
All children must become loved to be a strong persons in their adult life. To give a child love, you have to be loved as a child yourself. I think that is impossible for some parents because they haven´t got safeness in thier own childhood. I hope mostly of the children of today got love but I´am not sure.
To be respected is all peoples rights, also a child. All individuals are not equal and we are thinking, feeling and working different. We must respect the child for thier personality. Of course we must give the children instruments for thier safety.
Now I will describe the last important word about childhood. To feel safety is easy if you got love an respect from the parents and other persons who are close to you when you are young.
On my part I think I´ve got these three important thing and I´ve tried to give my own children love, respect and safety.
My grandmother has meant a lot for me. She was very lovely and she was always very calm. She could see me for the person I was, I could feel that. We had something which I didn´t have with someone else. I can´t exactly say what it was but it was something strong and lovely.
I wish I can convey those special feeling to my own children as my grandmother has done for me.
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Dear Marita,
SvaraRaderaI really agree with you about children's needs!
Your structure is quite clear: you introduce your main themes in the first paragraph and then deal with them one after another. For the next blog, however, I suggest you don't start the first paragraph with a meta-comment about the assignment, but instead start out with a topic sentence that tells ther reader about the text itself. In paragraphs 2 and 3 you have informative topic sentences making it clear to the reader what the paragraphs are about. The last sentence in paragraph 3, however, does not follow the theme of that paragraph, but rather appears to belong to paragraph 4.
In paragraph 4, your topic sentence would have been more powerful if you had said something like "The last of the three vital ingredients of childhood is safety". As you have it now, you have a meta-comment, which makes the reader lose focus of the text itself and instead focus on the fact that you are struggling with the task of writing a blog text.
In the fifth paragraph you are talking about your own experiences. Still, the topic sentence is not linked to what follows - there should have been some kind of bridging sentence. You could have written something like "In my case, it was my grandmother who bestowed these vital things on me". In that paragraph there is also an instance of half-paragraphing, which you should avoid.
For the next assignment, try to use linking devices to a greater extent! Words such as "however", "still", "nevertheless" and so on help bringing out contrasts in your text. Words such as "furthermore" and "yet another" help the reader realise that you are listing things of the same kind.
As to your final paragraph, I think your point would come across more forcefully if you were to repeat the words "love, respect, and safety" and once again conlude that they are of great importance.
As to language, there are a few things you should think about:
Number: a strong person (not persons)
The use of tense: "To give a child love, you have to be loved as a child yourself.", where you should write "you have to have been loved...". Also, "when you are young" should be "when you were young" according to the context.
Vocabulary: there is no such word as "safeness" -use safety as you did in other parts of the text.
Adjectives/adverbs: "mostly of the children", where "most" modifies the noun "children" and therefore is an adjective: "Most". In "we are thinking, feeling and working different", "different" modifies three verbs and must therefore be an adverb: "differently".
Read about the difference between words containing "some" and "any" in §221!
Thanks for your contribution!
Best,
Marika